I am officially your mum

There's no going back now Louse, you're stuck with us. And we won the jackpot with you! I never ever dared to even dream that we would end up with a child as brilliant as you are. Even Judge Jolly at the pronouncement hearing this week said you were more lovely than in the photos. Obviously he doesn't say that to everyone...

The day itself was like all of these 'just a formality' days that we have had, where you realise that it is actually a very big deal and it's not an appointment that you can take or leave if you don't feel like it, it's actually super important and yet another assessment of some sort. But anyway, it happened, we went, Judge Jolly pronounced and we took some photos. Then we all went for coffee and for the rest of the day I don't think what just took place really sank in. I think for me it wasn't until yesterday when Granny left, Pa worked, and you & I just hung out that I felt total ownership of you in the deepest possible way.

E, your social worker, gave us your Life Story book, which she has done beautifully. It's like a little bible of all the information you will need, with maps and photos and lovely simple explanations. And crucially, it doesn't end, it is only half completed, we can now add to it, continue the story. It made me a little teary reading it, but I am very proud to be your Ma. I hope that you are proud of me too, once you've stopped dribbling and eating sand, my little official Louse.

Three days until I am officially your mum

So, it's three days until it's all official and we don't have to answer to anyone anymore. As I write that it doesn't seem like such a big deal, but I know on Tuesday I will either erupt into big gulping tears or show nothing and be the vision of serenity... which way will it go...?? Knowing me: show nothing. But I hope I do let go if the mood sweeps me, it is after all a very very big deal of a day. We are already your Ma & Pa, you're already our little shouty bean, but we'll all have the same name, you'll have a new middle name that we came up with, which you may or may not thank us for, and that will be that. I think. The notion of adoption can bugger off til you start probing. I think.

We've settled into our little routine with me working part time, Pa spending those days with you and it's like it was always thus. We haven't quite got a handle on 100% strict timings on everything, but you seem fine with that, as long as certain things happen during the day you are pretty flexible. I have noticed that our, certainly mine but I think Pa's also, confidence has grown hugely so we make parenting decisions without falling into a bucket of self-doubt and questioning. Love, after all, matters, and that we have in abundance. I do find myself now and then wanting to speed up time to see now what you will be like as a five year old, a ten year old, a teenager, a young girl and I even wonder about your wedding. Pa would cry hopelessly. I also wish that I could stand still for a while and let you catch up so that the age gap between us wasn't quite so big. I wish you could have had younger parents. But anyway, I'll stay youthful thanks to you and always remember that I met Jack White and surely that makes me cool :)

You do things now that I never thought I would experience – looking for me when we're at playdates or playgroups, burying your head in my shoulder when coyness suddenly washes over you, or just seeking comfort in my presence. I can make you feel better. I can make you stop crying. Just by being there. Amazing.

Your grasp of language is incredible and I have started introducing French. You understand everything I say to you and I hope it's not long before you start making proper conversation back. I imagine that will also bring an avalanche or argument and attitude, but it will also relieve your current frustrations when you can't ask for something. There is only so much more ah-ah-ah-ing and waving of the arm that I can take...

Goodnight Louse, you're already gone, soon as I lay you down zzzzzzzzzzzzzz