Nearly five years since trying to become a mum and four months three weeks since becoming one

It's interesting to see what friends slip away once you become a parent and which friends remain present. Since I myself found that, at times, I could not be around people with kids, I do understand that it is hard to be in the company of people who have what you want. And yet, I feel as though I am being penalised for having a partner and a child. But nothing is ever quite what it seems from the outside. I think I have had every single emotion under the sun in the last five months, good and bad, and I have struggled to share them. So, even if temporarily, losing friends is not great.

I am so acutely aware that everything I do and say matters now, when I'm with you anyway. Every interaction we have gets projected forward into the future – when you start school, when you're a teenager, when you're an adult, by which time I will be knocking on a lot! I suppose because you are not my biological child, I wonder what those elements are, the ones that are not nurture, the ones that I cannot control, that will take hold of you or not. Considering your birth mother's story, I wonder how much of her struggle might somehow find it's way into you. You do look like her.

My mum, your Granny, has just been visiting and I found myself observing the role I had during the visit, as both mother and daughter. I want you to be able to talk to me, to tell me things, especially difficult things, I want you to be able to cry in front of me, to say I love you without cringing, I want you to bring friends to our house and to want to be around us. And yet, I struggle to say I love you to my mum, I rail against letting her in fully as though I have to protect her from my emotions. I think I feel like she's not strong enough to take them, even though I rationally know that she is. And on the other hand, in so many ways I am replicating how I was brought up because I think I was well brought up! My mum never pushed me to do or be anything in particular, she let me spread my wings, she knows I am stubborn and willful, and she learned quickly I presume that I will do the opposite if cornered into do something I don't want to. These are the things that I hope I can do for you.

We took Granny to the train today and then went to see a solicitor to start the final adoption proceedings. On the way we stopped into Coram, where we did the initial training sessions two years ago. Several people were buzzing about, cooing about how lovely you are and one of them made a comment which pleased me immensely – she said "she knows where she belongs doesn't she".

If I had a feathered chest it would have puffed out considerably.