Five years plus since trying to become a mum and six months three weeks since becoming one

Today I found myself muttering for you to 'shut up and please stop whining'.

Nice, don't you think?

For the record, if you ever read this and not knowing what our relationship might be at the point of reading, since we became a family I have not had a single split second of doubt that it was not the right and the best thing (ever) to do, to adopt you. These writings are not testament to any regret on my part, what with all my anger and not handling things brilliantly sometimes, bur rather proof that I am a deeply flawed person indeed. The moment those words formed themselves today, I thought to myself – YOU shut up, what are you thinking! There you are little Louse, discovering your independence and unable to properly state your wishes and needs, swooping from one emotion to another because you know no better. And there am I, ditto, but I do know better. That's me, your mum, the person you are dependent on to help navigate the world of emotions... poor lamb...

Luckily those moments are few; most of the time I am hyper aware of my role and that what I do, how I react, what you learn from me, forms you in the most crucial way. It's a role I take very seriously, even though I feel underqualified, and I do my best, I really do. I have these moments, but I catch myself very quickly and have words. If I could put myself on the naughty step I would. But at the moment that would result in neglect as you'd probably seize the opportunity to career down some steps or get the iron out or something.

Today you said 'five six' and 'hi spider', and you discovered the joy of sand. And you don't know it, but there was the first court hearing this week concerning you. We are now in the final stages of the full and irreversible adoption. *smiles*