Today I received your new birth certificate

Where do I start with this posting. Of course, we've been on our first proper abroad holiday since I last wrote, we just came back last night.

Overall, it was a brilliant holiday. There were some challenging moments, but you coped really well with the whole thing, especially considering how many new people you met, the new language you heard constantly, the new food you ate (more sugar than you'd ever had for starters), the different places you went and the amount of travelling you did. You did throw up just as our train arrived into Paris however, on the outward journey, which was a nice starter.

You seemed to take it all in your stride, nothing seemed to phase you, not even the fact that your schedule went out the window or that the Atlantic waves knocked you off your feet and tumbled you around a little. But, for the last two days you have been scratching us and biting us rather hard and way too often. We're not sure why you're doing it, sometimes it seems like overenthusiasm and sometimes it's definitely frustration, but either way I'm finding it hard to deal with because it bloody hurts, physically and emotionally. I can't help feeling there's a little nastiness in it or some reaction to something we're doing wrong. I've checked the toddler book and no clear answers, just the old "show nothing, divert attention, say it hurts" stuff. It's at the point where I'm scared to get too near you as my face already has a big scratch across it as well as a few bruises, and other scratches here and there. I don't want to not be affectionate to you at all times, but when you do that I recoil partly cos it hurts and partly cos I want you to know how upsetting it is. But you laugh. And then swipe again.

I had to go to work today and after two and a bit weeks full time together I think you found that hard. I'm finding it hard to leave you, I do resent that I only was able to take three months leave to be with you, I do feel cheated. But such were our circumstances, you have to know it was not choice. I was not choosing career over you. And if circumstances were different now, I would stop working and be with you full time. Of course, work can be an easier ride, but it interrupts the flow and I think you suffer from it a bit. But maybe I'm projecting, maybe it's me that suffers really. I did after all come from a split family myself and miss out on having both parents around much. Maybe I just answered my own question. In any event, it doesn't matter as that's the way it is just now and at least you are with Pa when I'm at work. Though that might change as he is missing working a lot now.

Christ, parenting is riddled with guilt and confusion! And don't your own issues come up and bite you hard. How appropriate.

Back to holiday – family all adored you and as with everyone else that's met you so far, all accepted you as a new family member unquestioningly. You are the niece, cousin, granddaughter to an army of people. I loved being with them and finally being there as a mum. It felt like things came to a conclusion finally. I went to visit my dad with you, but his grave is in a horrid cemetery and I find it hard to feel emotional there. I also took you to a far nice and more spiritual place where my grandmother and grandfather are, as well as what would have been my big sister. We stayed there a long while, you played with stones on a grave, I introduced you to them. I think they approved. I cried.

Your language has evolved in leaps and bounds too. You are asking for things in a one word way, you are putting words together and you are speaking a little French. Oui, succes complet.