I have been intending to write almost every night since last time, but things keep getting in the way, like tiredness or telly or cleaning or having to work on the photos from someone's wedding. Time is so tight these days, what with looking after you Gremlin, working and training for my half marathon, it's hard to find spare time. Shame, as there is so much to write about really, both in terms of me and how I'm doing on my parenting lark and you & your developments, which are many.
Your current favourite things are playing with water, walking, Peppa Pig, the Where the Wild Things Are DVD which sort of scares you and fascinates you at the same time – you actually went behind the couch to watch it this morning, so cute. You like trying on clothes, you like being naked, you like kissing T next door, you like throwing your dummy out the cot as you know it means we'll come up to retrieve it, and you also quite like throwing food / spoons / bowls on the floor... yep, still an issue.
You are getting quite cheeky and ever more vocal. You repeat things and are starting to make sentences, making requests and stating preferences which is great. Still, there are the tantrums... Yesterday trying to get you back into the buggy as the heavens opened was a challenge, I ended up laughing so ridiculous was it. I have had to have a firm hand a few times, it's hard, as the book suggests, to show nothing at all.
I spent a lot of yesterday thinking that I must be a crap parent because I cannot at all times stay completely calm and in control of situations. As I write that I can see how silly it is to expect someone to be that in control, but something happens when one becomes a parent, something shifts in one's view of oneself and you lose confidence. Nearly all the parents I know, the mums especially, are filled with self doubt and regularly think they are crap parents. And I think, oh you're fine, the kid is fine. But when it comes to me... it's a strong emotion and gives way to guilt that you're not providing the best ever, most balanced and supportive environment to be a truly well adjusted grown up. I am desperate not to pass on my baggage to you, only to pass on the good bits, but then I see little glimpses into the future and I wonder if you have the same wild card as D, birth mother. So many questions...
You are however, extremely mummy centric at the moment. Pa gets hugs and stuff, but if you don't see me in the morning you cry, and I can calm you down with a cuddle when you are upset and go beyond consolation. Luckily Pa does not take it too personally. It seems the mother-child bond is indeed strong as Pa spends just as much time with you, if not more as he has three uninterrupted days with you each week. I suppose I like it if I'm honest, reassures me that I'm not messing up totally. It's not that I think we are messing up, it's just that we are so aware of shaping and forming you, that it's hard to remain sure all the time that you're doing ok. The current tantrums make me worry, but I don't suppose it's any different to any other toddler.
Anyway, you are brilliant and I love being your Ma. It's your birthday soon and we've organised a little party. We'll get your little mates and some music & balloons, your first disco.
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