A few day ago you cried when I held another baby

And when I say cried, I mean proper upside down mouth and big wailing crying!

I was a little taken aback. Is that normal or have you now attached to me that strongly?? It is lovely of course, to be wanted so much but I was also probably a bit worried in that brain-fast-forwarding-thru-different-scenarios way - have I made you too needy, will you be hard work at nursery, will you form too-stron attachments to people, etc. (see, this is why I run, to quieten down the brain chatter). I know it's fine really, I'm just being anxious.

A parent, bein anxious, worrying about their parenting abilities and how their beloved little ones will fit into society? Who'd have thought.

Photo shall follow. Hope iPhone sort this out soon...

Today you decided what you wanted to wear for the first time

You are starting to love dresses; you certainly like trying on clothes when I'm sat in your room figuring out what to dress you in. And this morning, I was being indecisive as usual when you grabbed a dress a Japanese friend just sent. I thought it was a little big, but I put it on you for a laugh and it was ok, so we went with it. It's not often I dress you in pink, but today there is no doubt that you are a girl.

I just listened to a Radio 4 show about children in care and the effects on them their early life experiences have on them. I listened with interest, but I also separated myself from the programme, telling myself that as you were well looked after (apart from the two weeks where they tried to encourage contact with D) and you came to us right when you turned one, it didn't apply to you. Partly I think that's true, but I also think that I want to forget about adoption. You feel so much ours, I hate reminding myself that you started out somewhere else. And yet I am also very proud of your heritage on D's side and I look forward to telling you about your birth family as people. But see, even just there, I tried to find a way other than "birth family" of referring to them. Anyway, on the radio show I was talking about, there was a mother & daughter who had come together when the little girl was 7, and they seemed to have a very close relationship despite the late adoption. The woman very firmly said "my daughter" several times and she said it very naturally. I thought that was lovely. I hope that none of the information that will come to you rocks our relationship. I am sure though that many things will test us, but I hope we are laying the foundations strongly and deeply enough to make our family sturdy enough to withstand whatever will be thrown at us.

Yesterday we went to the hospital where you were born

Although we were there once before for your general medical, for some reason on this visit (to get your eyes checked, turns out you're a bit short sighted) I found myself thinking about D, birth mother. As I walked through the corridoors I thought of her arriving here just over two years ago, in a state and in labour. I kept thinking I might see her, it made me feel strangely connected to the place. Recently, some woman I was talking to in a playground or something, asked me your birth weight. It looked so odd that I didn't know to the exact gramme. I checked so now I know - 2.68kg. Tiny.

So the eye exam revealed that you are indeed a little near sighted. No glasses yet but we'll go back in four months for a second assessment. You might be a bit more compliant with the doctors trying to look in your eyes by then... Maybe... They mentioned that it could be an issue related to D's behaviour when pregnant, that her actions may well have affected your development. It's the first time it's been said really. It sort of struck me, as til now it's just been a case of - hey, she's just petite. And maybe you are; time will tell.

All of that made me think about the fact that you have a history before August 14th last year and about the fact that it is no longer at the forefront of my mind on a day to day basis. But it also made me feel sad for you. Partly that someone else's actions could affect you when you asked for nothing, and partly cos one day we're going to have to tell you all about that, about D, about how she was & what she did. From my friend that is adopted I know it brings a fundamental rejection that can never really be healed. I wish I could protect you from that hurt but I can only love you as I do now, keep you on the straight & narrow, and hopefully make you secure enough that it won't totally crumble your world.

It seems to me that we are all fully registerig that we are now a family. For Pa and me, passing the year marker was significant as it meant we had been a family at least as long as you had been with P&A. But you - recently you keep looking at me, patting me and saying "mummy". And when we're all three together you'll pat Pa too and state "daddy". It's as if you're stating it, affirming it, checking it, saying out loud in recognition. I always reply - yes, Louse's mummy.

Oh dear, I seem to have something in my eye...