Yesterday we went to the hospital where you were born

Although we were there once before for your general medical, for some reason on this visit (to get your eyes checked, turns out you're a bit short sighted) I found myself thinking about D, birth mother. As I walked through the corridoors I thought of her arriving here just over two years ago, in a state and in labour. I kept thinking I might see her, it made me feel strangely connected to the place. Recently, some woman I was talking to in a playground or something, asked me your birth weight. It looked so odd that I didn't know to the exact gramme. I checked so now I know - 2.68kg. Tiny.

So the eye exam revealed that you are indeed a little near sighted. No glasses yet but we'll go back in four months for a second assessment. You might be a bit more compliant with the doctors trying to look in your eyes by then... Maybe... They mentioned that it could be an issue related to D's behaviour when pregnant, that her actions may well have affected your development. It's the first time it's been said really. It sort of struck me, as til now it's just been a case of - hey, she's just petite. And maybe you are; time will tell.

All of that made me think about the fact that you have a history before August 14th last year and about the fact that it is no longer at the forefront of my mind on a day to day basis. But it also made me feel sad for you. Partly that someone else's actions could affect you when you asked for nothing, and partly cos one day we're going to have to tell you all about that, about D, about how she was & what she did. From my friend that is adopted I know it brings a fundamental rejection that can never really be healed. I wish I could protect you from that hurt but I can only love you as I do now, keep you on the straight & narrow, and hopefully make you secure enough that it won't totally crumble your world.

It seems to me that we are all fully registerig that we are now a family. For Pa and me, passing the year marker was significant as it meant we had been a family at least as long as you had been with P&A. But you - recently you keep looking at me, patting me and saying "mummy". And when we're all three together you'll pat Pa too and state "daddy". It's as if you're stating it, affirming it, checking it, saying out loud in recognition. I always reply - yes, Louse's mummy.

Oh dear, I seem to have something in my eye...