Yesterday you watched me run my first half marathon

It was a big thing for me that run yesterday, because it is the culmination of something that started more than five years ago, when I first found out I would be unable to have babies without assistance. And so there we were yesterday, Pa, you and me, our little family, all there to see me do something I never in a million years thought I was capable of, with you, the kid I never thought I'd have.

Ok, I didn't "have" you, but I am your Ma in every single way that I can be, especially deep in my heart. You have become a part of me as deeply as any biological child could have, I see no difference. The only difference is when other people impose one. Like when they refer to D as your mother. I am Louse's mother, I say plainly. Yes, they say, but you know what I mean. No, I don't know. It offends me deeply when people who know me well say this thing to me, casually, like it's just words. How can they look at me and call D your mother to my face?? I have come to realise over the last five years how often people unwittingly say stupid thoughtless things like this and don't see the harm in what they say.

We bumped into P & C at the park yesterday, they had come to see me finish the race but missed me ad by pure coincidence we bumped into them later. We were with our friends and one part of me was pleased to introduce them to P & C, but as always another bit of me recoiled. You held your arms out to P and as always, I recoiled a bit at that too. I want you not to recognise them any more to be honest. But if you've been reading this blog, then you know this already. I'm sorry, it's not very generous of me, but this is a place for true feelings, in all their glory, unpleasant as some may be.

Today is also te first day that you let me put anything in your hair, bobbles & clips. You looked like a proper little girl suddenly, more grown up somehow.