So many things, so many days gone by

Wow, more than two months since I last wrote! How did that happen. I know how – work, home, you, tidy, cook, eat, tidy, flop, sleep, up, dressed, work, home, you, tidy, cook, eat, tidy, flop, sleep, up, dressed, Busy Bees etc etc.

You are doing a ton of things that you weren't doing two months ago; your language has evolved to the point where we're almost having conversations, you are obsessed with drawing faces – sad, happy & grumpy, you are having daily tantrums, you love dancing as much as ever and have been to your first baby disco, you sing songs to me now, you tell your toys stories and talk to them, you think Talking Carl on my phone is a little friend, your colouring-in is astoundingly good, you can count to 12 perfectly and to 20 a little randomly, you know how to work us like puppets and you gave us our first serious A&E scare two weeks ago by stopping breathing and passing out. And I'm sure there's more. Oh yeah, everyone still thinks you're the cutest thing ever.

It's nearly Christmas now and you've become quite aware that Christmas is a fun thing and I am finding myself getting into the spirit of it much more as a result. We've got a tree you keep pulling the baubles off, we're got twinkly fairy lights and we've taken you to a pantomime starring none less than Mr Tumble. You were transfixed! You almost didn't move for two hours, it was brilliant. You know Christmas means presents too; I caught you on tip-toes trying to reach for some presents on the sideboard a few days ago. I thought you'd gone suspiciously quiet and there you were, reaching silently.

Now, the A&E thing. That was one of the most heart stopping moments of my life. You did the long silent scream and I was joking, going, here it comes, here comes the big loud scream... But it didn't come, you went limp and lifeless and white, still not breathing. My mind simultaneously went blank and a thousand different scenarios flashed through my mind as to why this was happening, all of them terrifying. Luckily I was with friends, someone called 999 immediately and all was ok. Apparently it's a strangely common thing kids can do. Duck me though... you dare ever do it again... I will only be 50% less terrified no matter how much the doctor said it's not harmful.

We've seen P&A&C again, which was nice. A told me after that she had a word with P for talking about the past in front of you. She correctly realised that you are going to start understanding these things soon and it mustn't be by overhearing conversations. I was glad she realised this as I have too in recent months, but it also brought forward the fact that I am going to have to start telling you stuff, sooner rather than later. It guts me; I don't care how many people tell me the younger the better, it'll be fine long as you don't hide anything, what do they know. I will never stop wishing that you had come out of my belly and that my being your mum was never in question. It would all be so much simpler then. I suppose I think people think of me as not your 'real' mum because I didn't give birth to you. I hate that my mum-ness is diminished and I go back to being a barren infertile woman. Of course I worry that you will reject me too, use adoption as an excuse to reject me when you're a teenager and doing what teenagers tend to do. I probably need to start reading a few books to prepare myself. Or just talk to mates with teenagers cos I might find that much of it has nothing to do with adoption.

At the moment we have a very strong bond and it's hard to think that one day, it might not be so. However, let's keep it cheery – we do have a strong bond and you will know what you need to know in digestible chunks from an early age so no nasty shocks. We will be behind you every step of the way, whatever you decide to do, and however hard that might be inside, we'll suck it up for your sake.

*Happy face*