Four years, nine months, 12 days since trying to become a mum and three months 16 days since becoming one

Dear Louse

You're napping again. I could see you needed it hours ago, but you fought a good battle.

No-one told me how angry you can get as a parent. Well, let me rephrase that: I was unprepared for how angry I could get as a parent. A while back I found that during meal times, when you got bored or full and started chucking food around, something snapped in me, I found it very hard to tolerate such, as I saw it, insolent, behaviour. It happened several times and each time I felt a sudden rush of rage inside; how could you throw my lovingly prepared food around, you might as well hate me...

Quite extreme right?

It was the time I banged my fist on the table in anger that I finally thought, wait a minute, I'm the grown up here, I'm the one that needs to think about this and temper (ha ha) my reaction.

So, I spoke to the person I speak to these things about and she suggested I might think about my own relationship with food and mealtimes. She rightfully pointed out this was nothing to do with your behaviour, but more to do with whatever was being triggered in me. So I thought and it became very obvious what was going on with me. Family mealtimes (with half of family, my dad's side that we saw during holidays) were very important. The grandmothers would spend all morning preparing lunch and all afternoon preparing dinner. Not being there, not sitting up straight with hands on the table (not elbows) and not eating everything that served to you, was not an option. The step mother was quite scary. I loved these family meals, but they were also a challenge.

I think that you throwing food around once you'd had enough, vexed me almost, as I would never have been allowed to do that and would never have had the balls to cross the line in any way. I wanted to please.

Since I realised this and made these connections, it has been much much easier to let your food throwing pass without incident. I simply remove all food and we agree "all done". It still winds me up cos it's a waste, but I'm not taking it personally and I don't hold you responsible. Though it must be said Little Louse, that you are v strong willed already...