The egg I gave you for breakfast seems to be coming back to haunt me this evening as I put you to bed. Who knew such a pretty thing could produce such fumes.
I crossed a small personal milestone yesterday. We took you to Big Shopping Centre to Santa's Magical Wonderland or some such, and met with foster folks that had looked after you so well til we came along. Your departure from them was very hard for them, like a grief, so the last time we met them was very emotional for all. On my part, I felt very insecure in my position as your mother, as they had known you for longer at that point and kept talking about things you do/did. My reaction was to retreat somewhat, even though they came to our house, to let you run to them and not push myself forward for cuddles, feeding etc. You were so delighted to see them, it threw me. I kept thinking that they had the power to stop it all, to decide that we weren't good enough and to have you removed from us. It was a sharp reminder that we are still in a process and there are still hurdles to jump. Not too many more now though, but at that point, it was all still relatively fresh. I was relieved to see them leave, not because I don't like them, but because I found the visit gruelling. We were still very much in the process of establishing ourselves as your mummy & daddy, and in my mind they threatened that.
In contrast, yesterday was good fun. We met somewhere neutral at Big Shopping Centre. I had asked that we not go to theirs for lunch as I feared it would upset and confuse you, it being not that long since you lived there, even if your timescale is different to ours. I found it hard to ask them that, but was glad I did and appreciated their respecting my decision. They seemed happier, more 'over' their grief, so everyone seemed more relaxed, plus we had activities to keep us busy. You were again happy to see them, though this time there was a moment of hesitation before you went to them. And crucially, you turned to me regularly for comfort and reassurance throughout the day, and I made sure I was there ready to take you, not hesitating, not feeling guilty for having you. I definitely established myself, as much to myself as anyone else, as your mummy.
They showered you with gifts for Christmas. You are a very lucky girl to have had people like them in your life, even if you will be unaware of quite how much they did for a few years yet. And in turn, we are the luckiest ma & pa on the planet to have you land on our doorstep. I never dared hope it could be this good.
Oh yeah, it's been snowing and I took you out to the park and put you on the swings. You were not amused.
No comments:
Post a Comment