An eternity since trying to become a mum and very nearly six months since becoming one

Whatever sort of parent you think you will be, be prepared for some surprises.

I am stricter in some ways that I did not expect and I am more lenient in other ways that I certainly did not expect. I have found unexpected patience and I have found unbelievable tiredness to shorten my fuse considerably. I am worried, frightened and anxious of things I didn't anticipate, and at the same time as making life fantastic, I am also thinking about death more often and more painfully than usual – I miss people that have gone and I shudder for the losses that will inevitably come. Alexander Macqueen, who will be long gone and maybe forgotten by the time you read this, died unexpectedly yesterday. I, probably like many others, immediately assumed some sort of misadventure with recreational drugs, but how wrong I was. It turns out he killed himself out of grief for the recent loss of his mother. There you have a man, at the pinnacle of his career, surrounded by people who adore him, successful and wealthy, who lost his mum and couldn't find a reason to live any more. And I can empathise with him very deeply, I can absolutely imagine the pain he felt, the sadness, I even project onto him that he must have suddenly felt very alone and rudderless without the woman who brought him into the world. I have lost a parent, and you have lost two in a way, but in the end I did not want to kill myself. I hope you find ways of dealing with the losses you will have.

So, this death hit me as I am between two pillars being both a daughter and a mother. I already worry about the death of own mum and what it will do to me, and I worry because being a slightly older mum to you, although now it's become very common to become a parent in one's 40s, you will probably not have me in your life as long as you would a younger mum, presuming all things go according to plan.

That's me all over – I worry about food being chucked around and making a mess, and I worry about death. Nothing in between really.

To entertain ourselves, we made you a hat like a Hershey's Kiss.