Five years since trying to become a mum and nearly six months since becoming one

I am your mum. I really am. I'm the one you turn to for reassurance, I'm the one you seek out in a crowded room and I'm the one that can comfort you when you're tired.

I think it's astounding how normal it feels and I catch myself sometimes, have to remind myself that it's not a game. Having wanted it for so long and imagined so many children, it's quite mind boggling at times to find myself right in the middle of it in a very very real way.

I love kids, but not any and all by any means! But I find you fascinating and I'm amazed to be your mum. You are very quick to learn and very clever, though most parents probably think that I suppose. But you are. You understand so much already. We babysat T on Saturday who is now 1, the age you were when we came together. I was a bit taken aback by how much a baby he still is, quite passive and static. I found it very hard not to compare you and to think that he was a bit... slow... He's not, but you were babbling and marauding around at 1 like you had places to be, people to see. Still now, you swagger like an old sailor sometimes, sucking one handed on your nighttime milk as though it were a comforting rum, whilst farting on my leg then tossing the empty bottle away for it serves you no more purpose. Hysterical. You make me laugh a lot.

We're now experimenting with you feeding yourself.