It is exactly one year tomorrow since we first met you

This time one year ago, we were a pair of anxious terrified wrecks, about to meet you for the first time.

I can't believe a year has gone by. But I also can't believe that you were ever not here. I'm not often allowed to say this out loud, but it makes me desperately sad that you are not biologically mine, that I did not give birth to you and therefore know you from day one. We are not perfect, Pa and me, far from it, but we adore you unconditionally and unreservedly, you are my proudest moment and my greatest achievement. One year on, I think you're settled and I think you're happy. And crucially, I don't think you remember life before us, we are Ma & Pa, we are who you rely on un every way.

We saw foster folks, P & A, last weekend, for C's 8th birthday at the ice rink. It tool me a ridiculous amount of time to get you ready, to decide what to dress you in. I wanted you to look cute and lovely, but I also know that my version of that is different to theirs. For some reason I want their approval, I want them to think what great parents we are and how brilliantly you're doing with us. I feel very anxious in their company despite them being totally down to earth people. I'm desperate not to come over as too middle class, and to be smiley & relaxed, when inside I'm annoyed that they can tell stories about when you were 3 months old and how you did this or that from when you were tiny. I want that history with you. If I'm honest, it makes me jealous if I see you run to them, I want them to see that it's us you run to now.

All of that is obviously counter to the rational thoughts that you run to them cos they're open & welcome you, that maybe you do remember them somehow but it doesn't change how you feel about us, and that I am grateful to them for having been such great fosterers to you. I know it's still painful for them, especially A. We didn't invite them to your birthday party this weekend as, much as we want you to know who they are one day, we now need to step back from all things adoption and just be us. I felt bad, but even E, your social worker, confirmed that we should try to see them on non significant dates, that birthdays were for friends & family. Unfortunately, their presence will always bring adoption to the fore and for the time being we are enjoying that it can slip into the background.

Happy year one darling, you are the loveliest Louse I could have ever hoped for.